…waves

…what is this?

why am i here?

i beg often for the blue waves, but these are the colorless version-

these do not glide against me; but rather slam and leave mental bruises-

why have you left me here?

was my descriptive prayer not a descriptive prayer?

when did i become lesser than the next? the ones i see afloat- arms stretched wide in the waves i prayed for- their eyes smile at me father-

am i not fragile?- why do their eyes smile at me?

have i wronged you beyond repair?

why does my celibate life seem lonelier than an unwed room of lust?

do i shame you by asking that?

i am hurting, forgive me-

but what is this?

and why am i still here?

no dream has yet to manifest-

not

even

one-

pain upon pain upon pain-

does the gifted soul disgrace you?

forgive me if i have-

but why is my mind wired this way? if i wave its surrendering flag, will you not welcome me there?

do you not see how gone i am? can you not lessen these waterless waves?

i am scared father-

did this vicious and unfair disease pass to my children?

why did it even find me?

somewhere during someplace of my life, ive done something so wrong- and I don’t know how to right things with a perfect God-

I don’t know how to become worthy of earths temporary blue waves-

the ones that carry you gently to the sand, making the now a glimpse of heaven-

the ones that don’t bruise-

i am beyond the nothingness that i feel-

guide me to the full find of that truth father-

show my children the gold of my indifferent mind-

please grant the rescue abba-

unveil the great testimony-

i love you.

kb